At that time there were four women in my life. One, my wife, a good woman, was to leave me within a few days. The other three I shall call the Black, the White, and the Red Queens. The White Queen was beautiful, a graceful goddess; the Black Queen lived in the shadows; and the Red Queen was a wild and passionate mistress of whom I knew very little at that time.
The Black Queen haunted the dark spaces on the stairway, she watched and waited. She watched as I entered and left my room, she waited her time. One day when my wife was visiting her mother the Black Queen watched me enter my room from her dark corner and later, when I was in bed, she came into my room, stood by the bed until I stirred, and looked at me. Without taking her eyes from mine she stripped naked, pulled back the bedclothes and without a word took what she wanted. Afterwards she gathered up her clothes and carrying them in her arms she left the room.
The White Queen had both poise and beauty. Her hair and eyes were dark; her pale body was lean and shapely. She wore long flowing dresses, long flowing hair falling over her shoulders. She was distant much of the time, aloof, but when she made love her tears flowed freely and she held tight.
One day whilst on a retreat in Surrey, I was meditating when I heard the divine sound of Tara chanting her own name. The beautiful sound of the mantra came from nowhere and then Tara herself appeared – white, beautiful, exquisite, draped in soft silken scarves, jewels about her wrists, waist, and ankles. Hanging from her long neck a brilliant jewel rested between her perfect breasts. I wept at such beauty but eventually I left my meditation to join a circle of friends walking and chanting around the shrine room.
The White Queen was in front of me, separated from me by three men. One was my competitor, one was gay, and one was a big man of who intimidated me. I knew that I had to overcome my anxiety about each of these three men to win her. As we walked past the door of the shrine room the man immediately behind her left the room – on the next circuit the second man left and on the final turn the third man left the room. At that moment a bell rang softly and I knew that she was mine.
As I say I didn’t know much at all about the Red Queen at that time.
I was staying in a tent in the wooded park surrounding a large English country house. Each morning, at about four am, I was visited by a hedgehog, a manifestation of my teacher, who telepathically transmitted various instructions that I was to follow. On this particular day I was to go to the house, following the ‘signs’ to a certain room and there await the arrival of the Cosmic Queen to whom I would be married.
I followed the instructions and in the centre of the room indicated I found two seats set ready. I took my place on one of the chairs and waited. As I waited I picked up a book which lay before me on a table. One of my difficulties at that time was knowing what to do with my life. I knew that none of the usual drives were worthwhile – money, fame, comfort, even my career as a scientist, they all seemed empty and worthless pursuits. I felt completely free but I had no idea of what direction I was going in, nor of what use my life was. Then, as I sat there waiting, I read in the book the following lines:
May the merit gained In my acting thus Go to the alleviation of the suffering of all beings. My personality throughout my existences, My possessions, And my merit in all three ways, I give up without regard to myself For the benefit of all beings. Just as the earth and other elements Are serviceable in many ways To the infinite number of beings Inhabiting limitless space; So may I become That which maintains all beings Situated throughout space, So long as all have not attained To Peace.
As I read these words waves of ecstasy arose and swept over me, engulfing me in certainty – I knew fully and finally what I wanted to do with my life. I was free, and I had something to do that had real value. What more could a man want? This was completeness.
It was then that I heard footsteps coming along the passageway on the floor above me. I heard them step by step slowly moving towards the stairs. I heard them descend the wide sweep of the main stairway. My blood quickened. Was it the Red, the White, or god forbid, the Black Queen who came towards me. Who would take the seat next to me, who was the Cosmic Queen to whom would I be bound for all eternity. I felt a rising terror and then as the footsteps started along the polished wooden boards of the corridor towards this little room I made my decision.
I stood, crossed the room, and jumped through the open window. I ran across the dew dampened lawn. Right now I was not ready for the final union – not yet – I could not take just whoever came – I was not yet able to give up myself to the Great Uncertainty – I had to leave.
Just as the sun was rising above the treetops I ran off into the woods. I later reflected that maybe I had actually met, and been married to, the Cosmic Queen – the ‘woman’ who would make me complete.
Haslemere, UK 1972